The Continuum of Estrangement

The Continuum of Estrangement

Dear Readers,

I share the following image of the Continuum of Estrangement created by the folks at Together Estranged because I agree with the stages and progression. The definitions, and descriptions reflect my research with a more balanced representation of both parents' and adult children's perspectives.

In my work, I focus on parents while exploring the adult child's needs, wants, dreams, and desires. For anyone who has or is experiencing the distancing and perhaps silence of our adult children, this continuum offers a way to measure changes and progression - in either direction.

Just as each of our relationships is unique, so are the circumstances surrounding each situation. Estrangement, in this sense, is a highly personal, active and fluid process. The following continuum provides a way to understand the degree to which our relationship is fractured and if the fracture is growing or shrinking. Understanding the continuum of estrangement is central to successfully navigating our personal estrangement journey.

Please visit your favorite podcast streaming platform to find When Our Adult Children Walk Away podcast. Look for episodes related to the Continuum of Estrangement. 

As you listen to my podcasts, read my blog posts, and participate in When Our Adult Children Walk Away Facebook parent's Private Conversation Group. You will often hear references to this Continuum of Estrangement. I encourage you to refer back to this blog post as you consider the evolution of your relationship.

- Dr. Steinkamp

Levels of Estrangement

The experience of estrangement isn't an all-or-nothing experience. In fact, there are many levels in between a life of connection and harmony, and a life of absence and silence.

Borrowed from Together Estranged, a resource center for adult children who are considering or experiencing some level of estrangement.

Cordial Contact

Cordial contact is a first step towards questioning the entire foundation of a relationship with someone - and as a person is pondering over what they should do next, they may remain cordial with this family member for some time. Some ways that cordial contact takes place:

The adult child may still come to family events as frequently, but now when they do, they begin to experience their time together differently. They actively question and assess their past perceptions. These changes then lead to an assessment and accounting of conversations, others' opinions, values and expectations. As they begin to experience family differently, they become more observant of interactions and how they feel around the person or people in question. At this stage, the adult child may feel caught between wanting to potentially keep the relationship going and not being sure how to improve it. They replay interactions with this family member to understand what's happening and how they feel around the person or people. ​Cordial contact is often more of an internal process as a person questions the authenticity of one or more family relationships. They may attempt to voice their concerns, ask for what they need, and communicate their perspectives.

Low Contact

As time passes, and as the adult child continues assessing the relationship(s) in question, they begin to feel that the pros of distancing outweigh the cons. For example, the adult child may feel less anxious, upset, angry, or depressed when they're physically and/or emotionally far away from their family member(s). And they note that they have more time for themselves and that the new sense of space feels good - a relief - an ability to breathe easily again. For others, time apart from their family member allows them to seek clarity. Adult children describe this experience as quieting the voices in their heads that cause pain, pressure, shame, and a sense of invisibility. This new awareness may actually allow them to return to the relationship and feel more confident in what they need from them to heal and move forward.

When someone chooses to go "low contact" with a family member, they become more conscious of their efforts to distance themselves from that person and the relationship. Others around them may too. They may purposefully call less often, may stop coming over or may avoid holiday events because they don't feel safe (be it emotionally, physically, sexually, etc.) around this person anymore. For many people who go low contact, this is a stage with a lot of conflicting emotions: guilt, confusion, frustration, anger, exhaustion, sleepless nights, freedom, sighs of relief, questioning and anxiety may be present, along with other symptoms. This stage is often a time of great internal and usually external conflict.

This stage allows the parent and other invovled family members to listen to learn, self-reflect and be accountable for how they contribute to the adult child's feelings and needs. And! To make changes necessary for the adult child to begin feeling heard, seen, and respected.

No Contact

Silence becomes a reality when a person no longer tries to communicate with their family member(s) and doesn't respond to communication from the estranged person or people. The silence could last weeks, months or years, depending on the nature of the situation.

It is not unusual during this stage that opportunities arise where the estranged family member may be able to redeem themselves. When these opportunities come along, the parent or other family member must already be actively working to understand their role in the estrangement, recognize their faults, and make changes so the damage does not continue. Importantly, this does not mean estranged people are to blame for estrangement. This is only to say that the adult child is not solely responsible for the relational conflict and choice to leave. Research tells us that adult children miss their family when disconnected, wish for a better alternative, and need evidence that the estranged person is making necessary changes with new self-awareness.

The next and final stage in this continuum is Complete Estrangement. The difference between No Contact and estrangement is whether or not the adult child considers there to be a relationship with the estranged family member or members – even during the silent times or if the relationship is stagnant.

An example of the difference is someone who isn't talking to their sibling for a few months over a serious argument but still considers their relationship with their sibling to exist. Someone who is completely estranged from their sibling would likely feel a loss over the relationship, similar to if the estranged person had passed away. The emotional connection between the two no longer exists. They are effectively total strangers.

Complete Estrangement

Complete estrangement is when a relationship with a family member no longer exists, which may now extend to the entire family. When a family member is wholly estranged from the family, they no longer feel emotionally connected to them. Conversations surrounding the birth of a new baby, marriage, a promotion at a job, moving, or otherwise life-changing news are no longer available to the estranged parent and family members. Someone may change their phone number to ensure calls and texts from their family members stop. People may change their name, move geographically, change jobs, or change their place of worship – all with the intent of complete estrangement.

Complete estrangement is an incredibly heartbreaking experience because many people wish to love and be loved by their family. However, certain situations and vast differences in viewpoints may perpetuate a dysfunctional relationship that jeopardizes someone's happiness, health and well-being. The preservation of health and happiness outweighs the pain and injury caused by the relationship.