The following content is cut and pasted from: https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement
Hi,
I share the following Continuum of Estrangement created by the folks at Together Estranged because nothing I create could be better. For any of us who have or who are experiencing the distancing and perhaps silence of our adult children, this continuum offers us a way to measure what is happening. Just as each of our relationships is different, so too are the circumstances surrounding our situation. Estrangement in this sense is changing and fluid. The following continuum gives us a way to understand the degree to which our relationship is fractured and if the fracture is growing or shrinking. Understanding the continuum of estrangement is central to successfully navigating your estrangement journey. Please contact me or the people at Together Estranged for more information related to your own circumstances.
- Dr. Steinkamp
Together Estranged https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement
Estrangement is a spectrum and not a "one-size-fits-all" experience, and someone may fluctuate between different stages as the relationship and circumstances change.
Family disagreements may seem small on the surface but can add up over time. In fact, certain events that seem to be the "sudden cause" of someone's estrangement are often the cherry on top of a long history of unresolved issues. If these family members cannot work out their disagreements, or if one or more individuals have been unsuccessful in trying to communicate with their family member about what's been causing the deterioration of their relationship, it may indeed collapse.
It's also important to note that estrangement doesn't just apply to situations with a parent. Someone may be estranged from a step-parent or parent figure, aunt/uncle, son/daughter, cousin, grandmother/grandfather, sibling, etc. Estrangement can essentially occur between anyone in a person's nuclear or extended family.
Estrangement is a spectrum and not a "one-size-fits-all" experience, and someone may fluctuate between different aspects of estrangement over the years and as the relationship and other circumstances change.
Problems that have stacked on one another, leading to estrangement, can be exacerbated over time by external factors, such as other family member strains, mental health concerns, physical illnesses, etc. While the "solution" to family estrangement may appear simple to others, it can be very complex and highly personal.
The Continuum of Estrangement
Levels of Estrangement
Estrangement isn't always an all-or-nothing experience. In fact, there are many levels in between.
Cordial Contact
Cordial contact is a first step towards questioning the entire foundation of a relationship with someone - and as a person is pondering over what they should do next, they may remain cordial with this family member for some time. Some ways that cordial contact takes place:
Coming over as frequently as before, but beginning to question the motives of the person
Starting to become more observant of interactions and how one feels around this person
Feelings of wanting to potentially keep the relationship going, but not sure how to make it better
Replaying certain instances with this family member to try and make sense of what's happening
​Cordial contact is often more of an internal process that takes place as someone questions the authenticity of the relationship, typically when they don't feel safe enough to communicate their concerns to their family member. For those contemplating sibling estrangement, this article on Considerable breaks down some healthy questions to ask yourself during this particular stage of estrangement.
Low Contact
As time passes, and as a person continues assessing their relationship with their family member, they may begin to feel that the pros outweigh the cons when it comes to distancing themselves. For example, someone may notice that they feel less anxious, upset, angry or depressed when they're further away (emotionally and/or distance-wise) from their family member. They may notice that they have more time for themselves and that space feels good - almost as if they can breathe again. For others, time apart from their family member gives them an opportunity to seek clarity. It allows them to return to the relationship feeling more confident in what they need from them to heal and move forward.
When someone chooses to go "low contact" with a family member, they seem to become more conscious of their efforts to distance themselves from that person and the relationship. They may purposefully call less often, may stop coming over or may avoid holiday events because they don't feel safe (be it emotionally, physically, sexually, etc.) around this person anymore. For many people who go "low contact", this is a stage with a lot of conflicting emotions: guilt, confusion, frustration, anger, exhaustion, sleepless nights, freedom, sighs of relief, questioning and anxiety may be present, along with other symptoms.
As one person describes in an article by Psychology Today,
"I went low contact for a year beginning in 2018, meaning that our only communication was texting. I was in therapy and began to see the patterns of abuse.."
No Contact
No contact is another stage of estrangement and occurs when a person no longer makes an effort to communicate with their family member(s) for a period of time. This could last weeks, months or years depending on the nature of the situation.
In other cases, no contact occurs even when no conflict was involved - an adult child may never speak with their cousin, for example, not because they don't get along or because their cousin has done something hurtful, but because the two never got to develop a close relationship or connection. While more research needs to be done on the stages of estrangement, we contend that "no contact" is different from "complete estrangement" with the differentiating factor being whether or not a person considers there to be a relationship with that person - even if the relationship is stagnant.
Another example of this - someone who isn't talking to their sibling for a few months over a serious argument may still consider their relationship with their sibling to exist, just not very strongly at the time (no contact); someone who is completely estranged from their sibling would likely feel an immense loss over the relationship, as the emotional connection and meaning between the two no longer exist (complete estrangement - as if the two were strangers).
Complete Estrangement
Complete estrangement occurs when a relationship with a family member (which can extend to the entire family) no longer exists. When a person is wholly estranged from family, they no longer feel emotionally connected to them. Conversations surrounding the birth of a new baby, marriage, a promotion at a job, moving, or otherwise life-changing news are no longer shared with these family members. Someone may change their phone number to not be contacted by their family member again.
Complete estrangement is an incredibly heartbreaking experience because, for many people, all they wish is to love and be loved by their family. However, certain situations and vast differences in viewpoints may perpetuate a disruptive relationship that jeopardizes someone's happiness, health and well-being - after so long, they may find that their life improves when those family members no longer play a role in their lives.
Readers -
As you listen to my podcasts, read my blog posts, and participate in When Our Adult Children Walk Away activities you will often find references to this estrangement continuum. I encourage you to refer back to this image as you consider your own relationship throughout your estrangement journey.
- Dr. Steinkamp
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